The Anger You Can’t Shake
Anger is a double-edged sword.
On one side, it’s the fire that can push you to stand up for yourself, protect what you love, and demand change where it’s needed. On the other, it can feel like a wrecking ball—breaking relationships, clouding your judgment, and leaving you full of regret.
Most men have been taught that anger is either something to be feared or something to be wielded like a weapon. Neither is the full story. The real challenge? Learning how to be with your anger rather than be controlled by it.
At The Reflectere Counselling Practice, we specialize in men’s therapy, helping men reshape their relationship with emotions like anger, rather than suppressing or unleashing it in harmful ways. This post isn’t about suppressing anger or letting it explode. It’s about reshaping your relationship with it. And that starts in the body.
Why Just “Talking About It” Doesn’t Work
If you’ve ever been told to just “calm down” or “talk about it,” you know how useless that advice can be. When anger rises, it doesn’t come as a neatly packaged thought—it’s a full-body experience. Your chest tightens. Your jaw locks. Your hands clench. Your breath shortens.
You don’t think anger. You feel it.
That’s why traditional approaches that rely only on logic fall short. Somatic therapy—a method that works directly with the nervous system—helps you experience anger differently, rather than just thinking about it differently.
So, let’s start there.
Somatic Practices to Move Through Anger
These are exercises that help your body process anger rather than trapping it inside. Try them when you notice anger rising or when you’re reflecting on past moments of rage.
1. The Grounding Press
- Stand with your feet firmly on the ground, about hip-width apart.
- Slowly press your feet into the floor as if you’re trying to root yourself into the earth.
- At the same time, press your hands against a wall, a desk, or your own thighs.
- Notice the strength in your body—your feet, legs, and hands anchoring you.
- Breathe deeply for 60 seconds.
This helps redirect the energy of anger into a controlled physical action rather than an uncontrolled outburst.
2. The Shake-Off
- Find a private space and let your body do what it instinctively wants to do.
- Shake your arms, legs, shoulders—let everything move.
- Imagine shaking off the excess energy of your anger like a dog shakes off water.
- Do this for one to three minutes, then stand still and notice how you feel.
Shaking is a natural way the nervous system releases stored tension. If animals in the wild do it after stressful encounters, why shouldn’t we?
3. The Breath Hold and Release
- Take a deep breath in through your nose and hold it for five seconds.
- Clench your fists and tighten every muscle in your body as you hold.
- Exhale through your mouth with force and release all tension.
- Repeat three to five times.
This mimics what happens naturally when anger rises—your muscles tense—but gives you the control to release it intentionally.
What Somatic Therapy Can Do for You
Somatic therapy isn’t about “fixing” your anger. It’s about helping you listen to what your body is telling you. Here’s what happens when you work with a male therapist specializing in men’s counselling:
- You learn to recognize anger early. Instead of being blindsided, you notice the first signs of heat rising in your chest or tightness in your hands.
- You get tools to move through anger safely. You practice exercises that help you channel anger into strength rather than destruction.
- You uncover what’s under the anger. Often, beneath rage is hurt, fear, or unmet needs that have been buried for years.
At The Reflectere Counselling Practice, we integrate somatic therapy into our men’s therapy programs to help men reconnect with their emotions and develop a healthier way to process anger.
Meeting the Angry Part of You: Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Anger doesn’t define you. It’s just a part of you. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy sees anger as one voice in an internal system of different parts, each trying to protect you in its own way.
Here’s how you can work with the part of you that holds anger:
1. Identify the Angry Part
- Close your eyes and bring to mind a time when you felt really angry.
- Notice where that anger sits in your body—chest, fists, jaw?
- Imagine that anger as a separate part of you. If it had a form, what would it look like? A warrior? A wounded child? A fire?
2. Get Curious, Not Judgmental
- Instead of trying to shut down the anger, ask it: “What are you protecting me from?”
- Let the answer come without forcing it. Maybe it’s protecting you from being ignored, disrespected, or hurt.
- Acknowledge that this part of you is trying to help, even if its methods aren’t always useful.
3. Build a Relationship with Your Anger
- Instead of fighting or fearing this part, thank it for its work.
- Let it know that you—your wiser, calmer self—are here to lead now.
- Ask it what it needs from you to feel safe and less reactive.
This shift in perspective changes everything. Instead of being at war with your anger, you begin to understand it. And when you understand it, you can work with it rather than against it.
Anger Is Not the Enemy
If you’re struggling with anger, you’re not broken. Your anger isn’t a problem to be solved—it’s a signal to be understood.
By working with your body through somatic practices and engaging with your anger through IFS, you create a new relationship with it—one based on awareness, respect, and control rather than avoidance or outbursts.
The goal isn’t to get rid of anger. The goal is to learn to hold it in a way that strengthens you rather than consumes you.
If you’re looking for support, men’s counselling at The Reflectere Counselling Practice can help you navigate your emotions with the guidance of a male therapist who understands the unique challenges men face.
Start with these practices. See how they feel. And if you need guidance, reach out for professional support.
Anger isn’t your enemy. When you learn to hold it, it can become your greatest teacher.