For many of us men, we come into therapy wanting to resolve internal issues that are causing an undesirable impact on our lives. Whether it be something within the relationship we’re in, at work, with friends, or most importantly, something negatively impacting how we are experiencing our own lives. This is often where men begin seeking men’s counselling in BC—when things feel like they’ve become too heavy to carry alone.
Most times, I witness brave men coming into therapy, often for the first time in their lives, with lots of motivation and a strong desire to learn how to be better men. Many come in because the pressure in their lives has become too much to carry on their own. As men, we often want to feel independent and capable of handling life’s stressors, and there is a common misconception that being in men’s therapy means we are not good enough to handle life. This is completely untrue. Therapy is a resource—one of many—that helps us become better men, much like a solid group of male friends improves our lives through brotherhood, connection, accountability, and non-performance-based acceptance. Working with a male therapist can also provide a space where men feel more understood in their lived experience.
I believe that we, as men, are often attracted to the idea that if you put something in, you get something out—relatively quickly—and that we can assess our performance and the value of it. This is where many men find themselves stuck in the beginning stages of their therapeutic journey. We may gain a certain level of awareness in the first 2–3 months of therapy, and then it can start to feel like we’re in no man’s land. It’s not feeling linear anymore—maybe it feels like we’re stuck or that we’re not “good” at therapy. This is a common experience within men’s mental health work.
This is where we start to confront discomfort—the idea that we have to dig deeper and also be okay with it not feeling like we’re constantly improving, or that some sort of measurement of our performance is no longer easily identifiable. I see many men dive further in at this point, but I also see men step back at this stage, as the confrontation of discomfort and more of their shadow feels large and unfamiliar. This makes sense, especially if we have grown up in a life where our self-worth has been largely performance-based.
That said, I do believe that we should be benefiting from being in therapy and not just attending for the sake of it. At the same time, we need to ensure we aren’t stepping out of the process simply because it doesn’t feel linear anymore, or because we are measuring our success in therapy based on quick inputs and outputs. Real progress in men’s counselling often happens beneath the surface before it becomes obvious in our day-to-day lives.
I see many men who have leaned into the therapeutic space once the discomfort begins and the process becomes non-linear. There is an acceptance that the path toward becoming a more loving, caring, and assertive man is not a straight line, nor is it something that happens within a short timeframe. It’s a commitment to showing up for yourself—even through the stages where it feels like you’re up and down, or stuck in the mud. Sometimes the lessons are ongoing, and we bring new awareness to familiar experiences. Skills take time to practice, and we continue to unpack and learn from what we practice—whether that’s confronting the discomfort of potential rejection, noticing the narratives that arise when we step outside our comfort zone, or understanding the ways we have self-protected in the past.
There are many layers to therapy, and each layer can feel like progress at first, and then, as we work through it, feel like a roller coaster until we reach the next layer. In men’s therapy in BC, this non-linear process is not a sign that something is wrong—it’s often a sign that deeper work is taking place. We must be willing to accept this process, or we risk not giving ourselves the time we truly deserve to learn, grow, and heal into the men we want to become.