There’s a well-known narrative that men are “strong and silent,” that they can weather any storm without a scratch. But the truth is more complicated. Beneath this armor, many men carry deep scars from childhood, forged through experiences that left them isolated, fearful, or vulnerable. These adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) shape men more than most realize, often driving the self-protective strategies they carry into adulthood—strategies that look like walls, masks, or armor.
These strategies are survival mechanisms. But the very tools that helped them endure as children can keep them locked in a cage as adults.
Let’s talk about those walls, why men build them, and how they can choose to start breaking them down.
—
ACEs and Their Invisible Grip
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can include everything from emotional and physical abuse to neglect, domestic violence, and household dysfunction. According to research, ACEs have long-lasting effects on health and behavior, but these impacts are not just physical. For men, ACEs often cultivate beliefs like “I can only depend on myself” or “Showing emotion is weakness.” They develop behaviors and attitudes that act as armor, ways to defend themselves against potential hurt they may feel—or believe—they can’t control.
These behaviors might be adaptive in the moment, but as the years pass, they become less about survival and more about limitation.
—
Armor: A Double-Edged Sword
As boys, many learn that showing fear or sadness isn’t acceptable. Crying or speaking up might bring shame, punishment, or ridicule. So, they put on armor. But this armor isn’t like a knight’s; it’s invisible, woven into every decision they make, every relationship they form, and every risk they take (or don’t take).
Consider a man who grew up in a home where love was conditional, where he was only praised when he achieved, or where affection was used as a manipulation tool. He might build a wall of detachment, choosing to keep relationships superficial or to avoid intimacy altogether. When relationships get close, he might push away, fearing he’s only “loved” for what he can offer, not for who he is.
Another man might have been physically or emotionally abused, learning early on that vulnerability leads to harm. His armor may show up as anger or stoicism, ways of avoiding any sense of vulnerability that might invite hurt. Each time someone gets close, he withdraws or lashes out, distancing himself to stay “safe.”
In every case, the armor isn’t chosen consciously. It’s a reflex, built from years of conditioning, and it becomes a filter through which they experience the world.
—
Protection vs. Connection
For men who live with self-protective strategies, relationships become a balancing act between the need to protect themselves and the need for connection. The desire to connect is natural; it’s hard-wired. But when someone has spent a lifetime avoiding vulnerability, the very thing they crave is also the thing they fear most.
This can lead to what psychologists call “intimacy paradox,” where a person desires closeness but pushes it away due to fear of being hurt or rejected. It’s a push-pull dynamic that can leave both partners feeling frustrated and disconnected.
Men who grew up with ACEs may crave validation, approval, or love but feel unable to ask for it. Instead, they seek it indirectly, through achievements, status, or the appearance of “having it all together.” The irony, of course, is that true connection can only happen when there’s vulnerability—something their self-protective strategies are designed to avoid.
—
When Armour Becomes a Cage
The longer men carry these strategies, the heavier they get. While they may have served a purpose in childhood, as adults, they start to restrict growth, connection, and fulfillment. Instead of protecting, they imprison.
Here’s the thing: when men can’t be honest about their struggles, they miss out on genuine connection. When they can’t allow themselves to be seen as vulnerable, they deny their own humanity. And when they constantly keep others at arm’s length, they lose out on the life-changing power of community.
In the workplace, this might look like not asking for help or trying to do everything alone. In relationships, it could mean keeping conversations surface-level, avoiding topics that bring up “uncomfortable” feelings. With themselves, it’s the inner voice that says, “You’re fine. Toughen up. Don’t be soft.” But if armor becomes the only way to live, then the person behind it starts to disappear.
—
Breaking Down the Walls
So, how does a man break down these walls that he may not even realize he’s built?
1. Name It to Tame It: The first step to change is awareness. Recognizing self-protective strategies isn’t easy; they’ve been there for so long that they feel natural. But taking the time to identify patterns—withdrawal, anger, avoidance—is the beginning of understanding why they’re there in the first place. Once identified, they can be challenged. Therapy can be a great support for a man to start to identify what’s going on internally and be supported as they work through it.
2. Learn Vulnerability in Safe Spaces: Men are often taught to “tough it out” alone. But some of the most profound healing can happen in a community of like-minded men in a men’s support group and also in the therapy room (The Reflectere has helped hundreds of men in this way).